Facing Up

You know something? I am so thankful for the blogosphere peeps. Yes, you! I could hug you . . . I really could. (I guess to do that I'd hug the monitor . . . or the tower? Either way I think the people at work would think me odd. Oh wait! They already do!)

Thank you guys so much for your words of confidence and support (and butt kicks. My butt is still sore from them. But it's still pretty cute! :-) Hee!) yesterday and last night. I am still a little frustrated but thinking over my diet and lack of consistent exercise over the past week, my massive fail at running makes sense (I can not spell that word these days . . . frankly my spelling has gone down the crapper!).

But I was catching up on my google reader just a bit ago. Kim . . . and Her Coffee is back! YAY!! In her I'm BACK (my title, not hers) blog post she wrote this:

Where to start in the fight over the enemy's lies?  Well, to quote Beth Moore on the LPM blog, "Ladies, the devil knows that if we’re too scared to even face our insecurity, we’ll never get freed up from it."   So, she posted, "Look up Scriptures that have to do with strength and power and victory and write some out in a comment to this post."  There are over 600 of them for you to ponder.  Here is the link.

(highlighting mine)

The highlighted section really jumped out at me. Especially in dealing with my weight loss, body image, and eating habits. Why can't I get below 200? Or 207 for that matter. Am I hiding behind my weight?

It's possible. The problem is that my weight is pretty well hidden. It's all around my stomach. I've shed most of the weight in my face and collar bones (though they could lose a little more.), my boobs won't shrink though! (I want them to go away some! Dang it!)

I learned pretty quickly how to hide my tummy fat. Even with clothes that are more snug. For me, I just make sure it's loose enough and I'm wearing pants that are just a hair too big so that I don't have a muffin top. With pants that fit, you see, I have a muffin top. *sigh* I think it's probably from when I was in denial about being overweight.  

I can still fit (suck it all in) into these size 12 jeans! See! They button! OH That? Eh . . . I'll just put a huge sweatshirt over it. Viola! It works! 

Not that I don't do that now . . . sometimes . . .

It amazing how if you ignore your insecurities long enough, you can fool yourself into believing you've defeated them! Those and the coping mechanisms for those insecurities.

Or is it just me?

I thought I'd gotten over my emotional eating. I thought it was under control. I would read blogs about people discussing emotional eating and compulsive eating and be thankful I had it under control and wasn't a compulsive eater.

HA! Bullsh*t!

I just wasn't being honest with myself. Look at this week! Monday! Hubby goes to small group and I stay home to clean the house in preparation for his cast coming off. (More about that tonight!) What do I spend an hour doing? Eating several individual sized bags of chips that I'd bought for his lunch. It's not that I wanted to eat them, but I didn't NOT want to eat them either. I just couldn't stop myself!

In fact they still call to me when I open the pantry. *oooohhhh . . . bad chips! BAD! SHUT YOUR MOUTHS!* (Or maybe I should shut mine! Not let them in!)

I'm so good at ignoring problems or avoiding them. But this weight loss journey is more than just shedding weight. (I wish it were that easy.) But with every pound I lose (or gain back) another area of my life is revealed in a different light and it must be dealt with. This past week and half? Eating . . . my relationship with food.

My body image was this past weekend (Yes, I'm still dealing with that. With clothes on . . . I look fabulous . . . w/o EEEK!! I'm fat! Clothes hide a multitude of sins! . . . Well I look fabulous until I'm around skinny, truly fabulous people . . . but that's an ancient insecurity.) But body image is one that I've had for a long time. Back in high school I always thought I was not fat, but not skinny either and definitely not cute or gorgeous. When I was helping Mom prep for the bridal shower she threw for me, we came across a picture of me accepting my high school diploma. OH! WOW! Not only was I skinny! I was gorgeous! Why can't we recognize that in ourselves?

I do look good . . . but I'm not where I want to be.

I feel like I'm talking in circles now . . . Am I making any sense?

Okay . . . before I pull up a couch and plop down on it I'm going to leave it here.

What insecurities has your weight loss/getting fit journey taken you through? How do you deal with them?

You guys are totally the Bees Knees!!